PTO Purgatory

Never has there been a more dysfunctional, irrational and more incapable organization in the history of the universe than the PTO. Thirty-something moms all making decisions based on hormone peaks.

This is a rant- pure and simple. My job puts me face to face with PTO’s on occasion in which allows me to operate in a completely different world - a world where angst and estrogen compete with SIMPLE LOGIC in a vain attempt to TRANSACT BUSINESS.

For the past two years, an elementary school PTO in mid state has been courting me to come to their school to complete for their business. It started when the alpha PTO mom (heretofore known as PMOM) saw me launch a program at a neighboring school. She was enamored with my presentation to the student body and insisted I come to her school to present to her PTO because my “prizes and presentation were awesome”.

So I did what I hate the most, I went to their PTO cattle call. That is where a bunch of fundraising companies come to a school PTO meeting and pole dance for a bunch of fickle Prozac popping ex-prom queens. And yes- I pole danced for all 25 of them and still lost the cattle call. Guess they didn’t like my wig. That was last year.

So this past fall, after another terrible school fundraiser, this same school came to me on their proverbial knees begging me to return for another presentation. Their dissatisfaction with my competitor was again a poor prize program.

The PMOM told me that I was a shoe-in because I had the best looking fundraising catalog and my prizes were awesome. This time, since I am a promotion coordinator for my company – I would do them a favor and bring samples so they could choose their own prizes. This is a privilege that very few schools ever have. I gave them an opportunity to hand select their favorite prizes for next year.

Then tonight I get the gut socking surprise email that they are signing with another company. The same company that provided a terrible prize program for them two years ago. The one that made them look for alternatives. It turns out my prizes were “empty promises” as she put it. I have no idea how to respond to that. Empty promises – WHAT? I showed them everything I have – the very things that they told me they loved and were “so much cooler” than the other companies.

I never got the business, so never had the opportunity to NOT fulfill any empty promises!

Whatever.

And folks, this is not a unique PTO story. This represents why people in my line of work avoid working with PTO’s. Variations on this incident happen all the time throughout the country and smart salespeople have learned to avoid them at all costs. Thankfully, most of my business is with school principals and teachers, people far more capable of making business decisions on principle-- not whim (or time of the month.)

Unless I am begged to come to a PTO meeting to do a presentation, I do not (and will not )seek PTO business. I will not become a whore to the lowest bidder. Even if I did get the business- it is always fickle at best. Their decisions made within the safety of consensus. There is no loyalty as history has proved they move on to another company next year, and the again and again.

Back in Detroit I was the whore doing cattle calls almost every weeknight going from PTO meeting to PTO meeting seeing how much I could give away to get the business. The only thing I lacked was lipstick and a wig.

Thankfully, tonight’s news is rare because of the consistent business I have built on customer service and friendship, but it is still extremely frustrating to go through the dog and pony show only to get kicked in rear once again by a PTO.

There. I feel MUCH better.